This is plain and simple 'bull-shit'!!! Excuse my language, but that's exactly what I feel right now.
I cannot tell ya'll the whole story, but let me share to you a part of it. And again, please, excuse my language. I am using profanity right now for emphasis and exclamatory as this is true to my feelings.
I have been, according to my own research, in-love to someone I am not suppose to. He has been my 'man of very special interest' for more than 2 years now. Son of a f****** b****!!! I was very clear even in the very beginning about what I wanted from him: just plain capital f****** F-r-i-e-n-d-s-h-i-p. That's f****** it!!! But what? He offered me the triple f****** A's that most, if not all girls wanted: Attention, Affection (not directly) and Admiration!!! Still, as a decent woman, I respected him (and his status), I gave him everything he wants, I even offered myself to him! Stupid, ain't it? Haha! Yeah! I can only laugh at myself to have blindly loved someone who can never reciprocate the kind of love I'm offering. He showed interest!!! He initiated it!!! He magnified that little interest I had for him and made it into something so big that I am now having hard time dealing with it!!! I was f****** loyal, loving and faithful before I met this man! But now that I've lost all those and have been turned into a stupid, head-over-hills, hopeless, desperate not so virgin b**** because of him, what do I get? "Can we please stop this?" Man! I was like, "Woah! What did I do that made you say that? I am not even flirting with you, mother f*****? I just wanted to not make things really obviously awkward because we are known to be goddamn friends!" Hooh! If I can only spit that out in his face! Damn it!!!
But at the end of the day, it is my fault. I only have myself to blame. I let him use me. I let him hit it through my feelings. I became a fool. I did not use my mind right. I was overtaken by what my heart and 'id' self dictated me. So now, I am broken... I have no dignity in me anymore. I have totally destroyed the honor I have taken care of for a very very long time. And the worst? I have somehow created a great gap between my Lord and me. This is sin has taken its toll on my spirit. I am now crying not of pure worship as I used to, but of deep sorrow and regret. I surely wish I have not asked that stupid 'WHY' question. He would have kept his feelings and I would have not reacted 'like one of those crazy girls.' So now, I got no choice but to move on on my own. See, I've tried doing this before because I know I was headed for pit fall, but I ended up using someone close to him to get the feeling covered a little bit. But, it didn't last. I did something wrong on top of what already is. So, I am making the decision to heal on my own and with my Lord's help. Yeah! My Lord, Jesus Christ! The Prince of Peace, the King of Love. See, I know how He loves me deeply and greatly but I've forsaken it for something good in the 'human feeling'. It was gravely wrong in his eyes, I know. Now, I can only pray that He forgives me and restores me. I mean, He's the only One who can do that. Not me. Not any amount of sexual activities will heal me. No man can make me move on. It should only be ME and HIM, together.
But, nevertheless, I will never lose sight of LOVE. Love is constant and it never fails. It is us, humans and our individual perception and interpretation of love that brings us to either real happiness and and or brokenness and misery.
I can do it! 'Emanuel.'
(07/15/16)
I cannot tell ya'll the whole story, but let me share to you a part of it. And again, please, excuse my language. I am using profanity right now for emphasis and exclamatory as this is true to my feelings.
I have been, according to my own research, in-love to someone I am not suppose to. He has been my 'man of very special interest' for more than 2 years now. Son of a f****** b****!!! I was very clear even in the very beginning about what I wanted from him: just plain capital f****** F-r-i-e-n-d-s-h-i-p. That's f****** it!!! But what? He offered me the triple f****** A's that most, if not all girls wanted: Attention, Affection (not directly) and Admiration!!! Still, as a decent woman, I respected him (and his status), I gave him everything he wants, I even offered myself to him! Stupid, ain't it? Haha! Yeah! I can only laugh at myself to have blindly loved someone who can never reciprocate the kind of love I'm offering. He showed interest!!! He initiated it!!! He magnified that little interest I had for him and made it into something so big that I am now having hard time dealing with it!!! I was f****** loyal, loving and faithful before I met this man! But now that I've lost all those and have been turned into a stupid, head-over-hills, hopeless, desperate not so virgin b**** because of him, what do I get? "Can we please stop this?" Man! I was like, "Woah! What did I do that made you say that? I am not even flirting with you, mother f*****? I just wanted to not make things really obviously awkward because we are known to be goddamn friends!" Hooh! If I can only spit that out in his face! Damn it!!!
But at the end of the day, it is my fault. I only have myself to blame. I let him use me. I let him hit it through my feelings. I became a fool. I did not use my mind right. I was overtaken by what my heart and 'id' self dictated me. So now, I am broken... I have no dignity in me anymore. I have totally destroyed the honor I have taken care of for a very very long time. And the worst? I have somehow created a great gap between my Lord and me. This is sin has taken its toll on my spirit. I am now crying not of pure worship as I used to, but of deep sorrow and regret. I surely wish I have not asked that stupid 'WHY' question. He would have kept his feelings and I would have not reacted 'like one of those crazy girls.' So now, I got no choice but to move on on my own. See, I've tried doing this before because I know I was headed for pit fall, but I ended up using someone close to him to get the feeling covered a little bit. But, it didn't last. I did something wrong on top of what already is. So, I am making the decision to heal on my own and with my Lord's help. Yeah! My Lord, Jesus Christ! The Prince of Peace, the King of Love. See, I know how He loves me deeply and greatly but I've forsaken it for something good in the 'human feeling'. It was gravely wrong in his eyes, I know. Now, I can only pray that He forgives me and restores me. I mean, He's the only One who can do that. Not me. Not any amount of sexual activities will heal me. No man can make me move on. It should only be ME and HIM, together.
But, nevertheless, I will never lose sight of LOVE. Love is constant and it never fails. It is us, humans and our individual perception and interpretation of love that brings us to either real happiness and and or brokenness and misery.
I can do it! 'Emanuel.'
(07/15/16)
